Therapy for the Therapist: “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.”
Therapists can become desensitized to the vulnerable position patients put themselves in when we first meet them. What has become normal to us is not actually that normal — it is uncomfortable and exposing. Every first (the first phone call, the first drive to the office, the first appointment, the first dismissal with all the tears and tissues) is painful. Every new client that reaches out is in some place of vulnerability.
Therapists need therapy too.
“The very first question you should ask your therapist is, ‘What is the name of your therapist?’” This advice came to me through a very good friend. It seems like a strange and personal thing to ask, but it implies something very important: therapists are real people. We have complicated family dynamics, miscommunication with friends, and experience burnout at alarming rates. We are also not robots; we empathize deeply with our clients. This empathy is the main reason we are in this profession, but it also can be our undoing if it gets mixed in with our own personal turmoil.
What will your clients think?
Sometimes clients are confused when I tell them that I also have a therapist and that I continue to gain self-awareness and healing in my own therapy. I am actively working to break the stigma of going to therapy. Yes, your therapist went to school and learned many theories and techniques, but that knowledge does not replace the importance of human connection — and it doesn’t omit the therapist from their own emotional and psychological wounds.
I recently had a new client that was very interested in this topic. He was at first surprised to hear that some therapists go to therapy; but after some thought he said, “Well good! Now I know you are not a hypocrite!” We are selling the idea that therapy is valuable and worth investing in, shouldn’t we also get in on this amazing service?
Future therapists and their personal therapy
While in grad school I took the required class of Research Methods and Design. For my final project I conducted some ameteur research on students of the Masters in Counseling program and whether they had been to therapy and received counseling themselves. My hypothesis was that most if not all students in a program to conduct mental health therapy as a career would have at least experienced therapy in their own personal lives, whether in the past or current. My hypothesis was null; there was not statistical significance between the student population of future therapists and whether they had actually experienced therapy for themselves. Disappointingly, I found that more than half had never been to therapy at all.
I truly find this concerning. What would drive someone towards a career that they had never interacted with before? Especially this career? What do these people expect a therapist session to look like? We all know the therapist character portrayed in television and movies is a load of BS. Could you imagine sitting down with a client for the very first time and the first words that come out of your mouth are, “What is your very first memory of your mother?” And then 30 seconds later you say something super profound and voilà! They are fixed! This does not happen!
There is evidence to suggest that there is a correlation between career choice in a helping profession and family or origin dysfunction and traits developed through adversity*. My hope and prayer is that if someone is in this profession due to a traumatic past and the drive to help others, they would recognize the risk of transference. We can’t heal our wounds by helping others to heal theirs.
My own experience asking for help and finding a therapist.
I openly share with new and nervous clients about the first time I decided to call a therapist. I just went through a transatlantic move right after having had my second child — only four months before my first semester of grad school. We can deliberate on that impending plane crash at another time. Since I was in a program training counselors, I went to the program administrator and asked her who I should reach out to. She handed me a list of local, vetted therapists for me to call.
Did I make that call? No, I did not. Why? Because my motivation to ask for help was not stronger than my fears of being vulnerable. I want to assure you, I did ultimately land on a therapist’s couch, but it took a long time.
Maybe you should talk to someone…
Last year one of my clients who read this book asked me if the experience of the author was realistic. The story, as the author Lori Gottlieb tells it, is that as a therapist of many years she finds herself in a situation where realizes she is in need of a therapist. She comically writes about the process of finding a therapist, what it feels like to be in therapy with a therapist (that also knows that the therapy is for a therapist), as well as some difficult and heartwarming stories about clients that influenced her own growth and healing.
I found this book to be incredibly humbling and entertaining. I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone working in the field of mental health. Prepare yourself for some tears and many laughs. Check out Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lory Gottlieb
Whether you are still in school, just starting out in the field, or have been practicing for years, it is to your advantage to think about your own mental health. There will be times when you need to process with someone else, and being self aware and ready is one of the best gifts you can give yourself as a clinician.
TLDR
Therapists need therapy. Full-stop.
It is important to experience therapy from the viewpoint of the client. This is a difficult position to be in, and should not be taken lightly.
Therapists are not immune to the complexities of life. We should also have access to the benefits of having a therapist.
Most graduate students pursuing a degree in counseling have never gone to counseling themselves.
If you need a good laugh and cry, pick up the book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lory Gottlieb.
*https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/15248380211016016
